June 2010


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I went to a really bad wedding yesterday.
Dry.
Boring.
Muggy and hot.
I had cynical commentary running through my head the whole time.
“That dress does not look good on her.”
“Why would they make us all wait so long to see the bride.”
“Is everything really about her?”
“cute tablecloth”
“where are people supposed to dance?, on that little stage? yeah right.”
“do they really look happy?”
“She finally tricked him into it, she looks satisfied, he looks temporarily content.”
And as these vulgar thoughts kept running though my mind, assholish comments kept slipping out to the equally cynical person sitting next to me. What happened to me I wonder. I used to be all sunshine and optimism. Now, I waiting for the brick to fall so I can tell you how we could’ve kept it from falling. Nice. Thoughtful. Generous in spirit don’ you think?

I watched a movie this morning instead of doing work like I should have been doing. The movie was about a new piece of technology, a chip that you implant in your wrist and it counts down to the moment you meet your “soulmate”. Cynical stephanie tallied up the ideas she didn’t agree with: soulmate? technology? countdowns?… But ultimately there I was watching the movie, eager to find out who the mystery man was going to be and longing for the eternal happiness of the happy couple. I think about my life and kind of half wish there was a kind of guarantee that I am making good decisions. Like maybe there could be this chip that you implant in my wrist that dings and gives me a star sticker everytime I decide to eat brocolli instad of oreo cookies, or sit down immediatly in front of my 1500 page Adult Health textbook instead of browsing through netflix’s “watch instantly” movie menu, or valdiates me when I choose one important decision over another.
But I suppose there is no mystery in that. There is no fun. No risk that perhaps this won’t pan out in the long run, but maybe just around that bend is another grand, life-changing adventure.
Like this wedding that is coming up in a couple of months… Is it an adventure…. or a series of familiar turns? Are those moments when he is so “thoughtless” towards me just going to keep adding up, or do we somehow sometime figure out a way to really hear and see one another?
Maybe one day I won’t be so selfish. Is there a countdown for that too?

This is how I see you:
modern composition book, deep sleepy breaths,
pages of hand scribbled notes on the civil war, on the history of ireland.
Skin that has seen lots of sun it its day.
short sleeve plaid button-up shirt
white hair.
blue bic pen back on the page- something you were dreaming?
Left handed. I love that.

this is me without you.

my bed.

my things.

quiet and still and mad.

I’m probably wrong, but I am savoring the anger.

Its like a loose tooth that hurts to wiggle back and forth;

but the blood tastes alkaline familiar,

and the pain is deliciously distracting.

I’ll pull out the tooth eventually.

But right now, I would rather worry it,

alone.

Sometimes things get a little overwhelming.  Like school, and a life that is just moving so fast.

But coffee helps.

And “emo” music helps.

And hiding alone in a public place helps.

But I suppose eventually you have to get back out and talk to people.

Maybe in a little while.